


Coping Mechanisms

by livielikesthis



Category: Twilight Series - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Depression, Female Friendship, Gen, Mental Health Issues, Nice Rosalie, Teen Pregnancy, Trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-17
Updated: 2019-02-23
Packaged: 2019-10-30 01:45:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17819486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/livielikesthis/pseuds/livielikesthis
Summary: Everyone has emotional baggage, and everyone deals with it differently. With her depression spiraling out of control, will a move to Forks and a new support system be just the thing Bella needs? Can the friends she finds there show her a better way of coping with negative thoughts? And finally, when her new friends lives get messy, can Bella find the inner strength to help lift them up? AH AU M for discussions of mental illness/trauma.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Just a quick note from me before we begin.
> 
> I started this when I was at a pretty low point with my personal mental health, and writing about Bella was somehow very cathartic for myself. 
> 
> Mental illness is something that in my experience can leave a person feeling extremely isolated and alone. If you feel that you are, please don't struggle alone. If you have no one else, you are welcome to contact me.

I couldn’t remember the last time I had taken my medicine. I stood looking at the half empty orange bottle on the shelf in my medicine cabinet, eying the bright plastic with an air of suspicion. At least the shaking had finally gone away. 

Renee had made it seem like those little white pills would solve all my problems, and had encouraged me to take them. That was almost a year ago. There wasn't a single thing those pills had solved. Not really. The list of side effects was as long as my arm, and I reckoned that I had experienced a wide selection of them. I picked the bottle up of the shelf, the dusty lid brushing against my palm and opened it, spilling the contents into the toilet and flushing. No matter what, I won’t be needing those anymore. 

I shut off the light before heading back into my bedroom, shutting the door behind me and slumping back into bed. It was 2:35am now, if I could just close her eyes and sleep, I’d have 5 hours of sleep before the alarm went off in the morning. I found myself wishing that sleeping was as simple as turning off a light. 

My alarm didn't wake me the next morning. Or maybe it did. I wasn’t sure. The next thing I remembered was the sunlight streaming in through the bedroom window. The time on my phone read 1:45pm. I’d slept through school again. 

The sinking feeling filled my chest again. My eyelids battled to stay open, but I couldn’t see much point in trying. Even if I made it to school now, final period would already be underway. What would be the point? Instead of moving I pulled the blankets up, rolling over and cocooning myself in their warmth. 

‘I’ll just get some sleep,’ I whispered. ‘Tomorrow will be better.’ 

 

It was dark in the room the next time my eyes opened. I hurried to switch on the lamp by the side of the bed, letting out a breath I wasn't aware I was holding as the soft yellow light illuminated the room. 

Above everything, I hated the darkness. It called to me. It was unnerving. I found it easier to focus on nothingness inside me when the light was there to distract me from the dark. 

Leaning back on the pillows, I stretched my legs, my prolonged sleep had made me stiff and groggy, and my mouth was dry. After a few minutes I made it out of bed to use the bathroom, taking a drink out of the faucet in there when I was done. It must have been late, the house and street were entirely silent. I went back to my room to check the time. A large gurgling sound from my stomach reminded me that I hadn’t eaten since yesterday. In my room I shoved my feet into some slippers, pulled on a large baggy hoodie and slipped my phone into my pocket. 

 

I padded slowly down the stairs, cautious to turn on the lights below before descending into the living room. A pattern that I repeated with the kitchen lights. This was no time to be testing my tolerance of the dark. 

I wasted no time deciding what to make myself, and headed straight to grab a clean pot from the dishwasher, filling it with water before placing it on the stove and waiting for it to boil. All I seemed to be able to make myself anymore was pasta and pesto. It wasn’t even that I liked the taste. Rather, it was the only food I trusted myself to make, and all that I could bring myself to stomach. 

While the water boiled I gathered the rest of the ingredients. Pasta from the cupboard and pesto from the fridge. It was a quick meal to make, and Renee didn’t seem to mind my constant consumption of pesto. It was bourgeois enough for Renee’s taste.  

I stood there staring off into space while my food cooked, and when it was done, I took the bowl and sat it on the coffee table, wedging myself on the floor between the table and the couch. Small spaces had always comforted me. Even more so since Renee had moved us to this monstrosity of a house on the outskirts of Scottsdale. Leaning back against the couch, the coffee table digging into my knees, the house felt smaller. It felt more like home. 

 

It didn't take long, less than five minutes really, before the food started to sit funny in my stomach. I put another piece of pasta in my mouth, hoping it was just the hunger that was making me feel so full, but I ended up chewing the single piece of noodle for so long that I could barely swallow it without gagging. I set the half full bowl of pasta down and tugged the sleeves of the hoodie down, rubbing the soft fabric against my eyes. The uncomfortable feeling was still in my stomach, I shifted her position slightly, pulling my phone out of my pocket as she did. I had 4 voicemails and a number of unread texts from her mother. I ignored the voicemails for now, but opened the messages. 

  
_Morning Bella, have a great day at school._

_Bella, are you awake? Please reply so I know you got to school today._

_You had better not be ignoring me young lady. I might not be in town this week but I am still your mother. You cannot miss another day of school Bella. You know this._

_Bella. Mrs Grimaldi just called. You skipped school again. Call me, please darling. You’re not in trouble, but I need to talk to you._

 

I looked at the messages on the screen for a few moments after I had finished reading them. Renee was good at hiding her anger. But her disappointment in me was glaringly obvious. Her assurance that I wasn’t in trouble was thinly veiled at best. I knew I was becoming a liability. I had overheard Renee’s conversation with the principal last week.  

I felt myself sinking slowly into a deeper sadness. There was nothing I could do. I was aware of the consequences of my actions, but there was nothing left within me to stop myself repeating the same mistakes over and over again. Tears stung my eyes. I tried desperately to blink them away, for all the good that did. They slipped down onto my cheeks anyway and I was forced to wipe them away with the sleeve of my hoodie. 

I was trying to be better. I just didn’t know how I could try any harder.  

I stood up, before I cried any more and took my bowl back to the kitchen, cling wrapping the remainder of my meal. At least I wouldn’t have to cook the next time I got hungry. 

My pan was discarded on the counter, but I had no energy left inside me to clean it right now. I moved it to the sink, giving the illusion of a clean kitchen. I could deal with it tomorrow. Right now I just wanted to go to bed. 

I pulled out my phone as a distraction while I walked upstairs, leaving the lights on until I was clear of the room before plunging it into darkness. I typed a reply to my mom as I walked. 

 

_I’ll make sure I go tomorrow._

 

In my bedroom I crawled into bed without changing my clothes. I didn’t bother with brushing my teeth, or turning out the light. I just wanted to be under the covers, lying still. Then I could think about sleeping. 

This time I woke up incredibly early. The time on my phone read 4:40am. I set my phone on the pillow beside me, shuffling back beneath the blankets to conserve heat. I had to try to go to school today. 

I stayed lying in bed for as long as I possibly could. At 7am by phone buzzed, reminding my it was time to get up. Ten minutes later I begrudgingly obliged, heading to the bathroom to shower. I needed too, I couldn’t remember the last time I had washed. It must have been three or four days ago at the very least. I couldn’t face the publicity of school without making sure I smelled like a functioning human. It didn’t matter that I wasn’t. 

The shower didn’t make me feel any better, although I know it meant I was clean. When I was done, I pulled on my robe and wrapped a towel around my head. The covers called to me when I entered the room. The air was cold against my skin from the shower. I got back into bed just for a few moments, to warm myself up. 

 

The next thing I knew it was sunset.  

The damp towel had unravelled itself from my head while I slept, and was draped across the pillows. I moved it gingerly and placed it on the floor. Taking a cursory glance at my phone as I did. I had twice as many missed calls and unanswered texts as yesterday. Only today I didn’t bother to read them. I just left my phone on the nightstand where it was. 

I got up to dress in clean pyjamas, and made myself a large glass of water, which I drank almost immediately and refilled before heading back upstairs. I wasn’t tired  now so much as just groggy. It was as if I was existing only half awake. Back in my bedroom I set the water down on my nightstand and placed my laptop next to it, finding a documentary series about the Arctic to try to hold my attention. I lay back on the pillows, not really watching as much as simply listening to the narrator’s voice. I finished the water. After that there didn’t seem much point left in trying to stay awake. 

“I’ll try again tomorrow.”

 

 

It was morning again. Not as early as yesterday. I considered getting up and going to school. I really did. I lay under my blanket looking at the ceiling, wishing that the simple act of getting myself out of bed and driving myself to school wasn’t something I was incapable of. 

But it was. I rolled over. It was better if I didn't look at the clock. I napped lightly throughout the day. Kidding myself that I could do this, that getting up and out of bed and dressing myself and brushing my teeth and packing my bag and going to school was the easiest thing in the world was all well and good. But I was wrong. I couldn't even do those things. I couldn't function properly. I could barely even exist.  

I knew I had slept until evening again. And not just because of the lack of sunlight. The light from the streetlights was the only thing lighting the room. My laptop was over on my desk, and a fresh glass of water was on the nightstand. I freaked out for a second, before checking the date on my phone and realising that it was Friday already, and mom was clearly back from her business trip. 

 

I chugged the water. My mouth was dry again from all the sleep. I sat up in bed for a second, intending to get up and use the bathroom. But a faint murmuring stopped me. I stayed still, trying to listen, but the sound was too far away. I crept out of bed and opened my door slightly. Renee was downstairs, talking loudly to someone on the phone. It didn't take long for me to find out who it was she was talking to. 

“I just don’t know what to do anymore Charlie. I can’t be here all the time.”

“I know, I know. I’m just not sure what else I can do. I need to travel for work. And she clearly needs more involved help than I can give her.” 

 

I felt incredibly guilty for listening in on my parents conversation about me. But I couldn't stop myself. I hated change. Hated surprises. Somehow I knew that if I listened now, something in the future wouldn’t be such a shock. 

“Yes. Its either that or the other option. Not that I think thats an option at all. We have to try it.”

“I know. You think this is easy for me Charlie? Knowing theres nothing I can provide to help her?” 

“I’m aware of that.” Renee paused, I could hear her sighing into the phone. “Look, I’m based here for the next two weeks at least. But after that, I know I have a few trips coming up. Can you get here before I have to leave?”

 

She's sick of dealing with me, she's sending me to Charlie. I felt myself beginning to cry and stepped back, trying to shut my door as silently as I had opened it. I’d been feeling lousy for longer than I cared to remember, but somehow in this moment, I felt even worse. I retreated back to the safety of the bed and pulled the blankets entirely over my head. Only then did I feel safe enough to cry. 

 


	2. Chapter 2

A tapping sound woke me up. It was morning again. I blinked, adjusting my eyes to the light. Renee stood at the door holding a breakfast tray.   
“Morning sweetheart.” She said as she entered the room, setting the tray down on my nightstand. I fought to suppress a yawn as I sat up.   
“Mom… you’re back. I-I-I  th-thought you weren't getting back until the weekend?”   
“Its Saturday Bella.” She told me bluntly, passing me a mug of coffee and gesturing at the toast on the tray.   
“Oh.” I replied before taking a sip of my coffee. 

My mom sat there with a funny expression on her face. I just held my mug of coffee and took small sips. I already know what she was going to say.   
“Bella…” she began. Her voice trailing off. I kept my eyes on the coffee cup. It would be easier to hear her rejection if I didn't see the look on her face.   
“Look sweetheart. We need to talk. I realise that things have been, tough, for you lately. But I’m not sure what else I can do Bella. I can’t help you if you won’t help yourself.” 

Those last words stung harder than they should have. I was trying to get better. My best just wasn't good enough. I still could not bring myself to look at Renee’s face, though I could feel her gaze resting on me, I resisted the urge to make eye contact.   
“I just think, it would be better for both of us if you went to live with Charlie. I think the stability would really help you Bella. You know Im not the most reliable person to live with, especially since my promotion. I can’t be here for you, physically, like Charlie can.”

I had to admit, her argument made sense. But Renee had always had a way at presenting her cause in a way that left little room for disagreement. Her talent for presenting a case was the reasons that she was away working so much. Her no nonsense attitude and talents of persuasion were very much in demand in the corporate world. 

Renee bent down, trying to force me to lock eyes with her. I turned away.   
“You know, we’re doing this because we love you Bella. You know that right? I only want whats best for you and right now, that is not staying here with me.” 

I placed my mostly full coffee on the tray. I couldn't drink it now. 

“W-w-when is D-d-dad coming to get me?” I managed to croak out. The stuttering was a recent development. The further I had withdrawn from people, the more difficult I found even the basic mechanisms of speech. Renee ignored it though, and I never stuttered when I was talking to myself.   
“He can come down in two weekends time. The week after school gets out.” She paused, and took a long sip of her own coffee before continuing. “We need to discuss school Bella. The principal called me three times last week. You’re not going to pass the grade unless you show up for your exams this week sweetheart. You have been studying, haven’t you? You were always so smart. You mustn’t waste that Bella, intelligence isn't a gift that everyone is given. Don’t forget about your toast.” 

Somehow my mom had a way of knowing exactly how to phrase something to make me feel as bad as possible about myself. I was relieved when she left the room. Shutting the door behind her. 

“I don’t want to move to Forks.” I whispered, knowing that only I would hear. 

 

The next two weeks were better, because Renee was their to drag me out of bed in the mornings and ferry me to school. But in many ways they were worse. I sat my final exams with no hope of passing any of them. I had not been physically present at school for a few weeks, but in reality it had been months since I had stopped paying attention. Nothing made me feel like more of a failure and disappointment than that last week of junior year, sitting test after test and being barely able to answer any of the questions. It was no surprise when a letter arrived from the school board notifying me that I had failed the grade. All it did was confirm my suspicions.   
I was worthless, and my mom couldn’t wait to get rid of me. 

 

Charlie arrived on a Friday. Renee picked him up from the airport on her way home from work. It had been years since they’d been in each others company, I was frankly surprised that they could cope with spending the 45 minute drive to our house trapped in the close confines of the car together. I suppose having such a disappointment for a daughter has a way of bringing even the most un-amicably divorced people together. 

I was hiding in the sanctuary of my bedroom when they arrived. I couldn't go downstairs to greet them. I knew dinner would be awkward enough. 

Instead, I busied myself with packing. Charlie’s house was considerably smaller than ours. My bedroom particularly, I was going to have to leave most of my stuff here anyway. There wasn't room for the entire contents of my bookcase as well as my small selection of winter clothing. I sat on the floor in front of my bookshelf and tried to pick only my favourites, but my mood and tried brain made the task impossibly slow work. Making decisions about which Austen novel I enjoyed most was too difficult. I just sat there, staring at the books until I heard mom’s voice shouting from downstairs that dinner was ready. 

They were both sitting at the table when I reached the kitchen, the food set out in serving dishes in the centre of the table. Renee had made me pasta and pesto. I suppose she wanted me to enjoy our first family meal. I couldn’t ever remember a time we had all eaten together. I was on edge before I had even sat down. 

“Hey Bells. How’s it going?” Charlie asked with an overly exuberant tone, as if he expected my mood to magically lift with his presence. I recoiled in my chair. My eyes flicked down to my empty plate.   
“I-I-I’m -fffine.” I muttered.   
I could feel Dad’s concerned eyes on me. I didn’t look up until he and Renee started talking, then I was sure he wasn’t looking at me.  
“Dinner looks great Renee.” He said, reaching immediately for the chicken.   
“Its nothing, please, enjoy.” She replied. 

I jut sat silently during dinner, managing a couple of forkfuls of the pasta. It wasn’t as if the conservation was flowing. As Renee cleared our plates, Charlie turned to me.   
“Our flight leaves at 2pm tomorrow Bells, so we’ve gotta head to the airport by 11:30 tomorrow morning. How are you getting with your packing.” 

I gave a shrug in reply to him. There was no way I would be ready in time. He seemed to sense my discomfort, but kept talking at me anyway.   
“Do you need a hand with anything?” I shook my head.   
“Okay well, I’ll be down here all evening if you do. Don’t worry about bringing your bags downstairs. I’ll get them in the morning.” He offered, but I knew he was bluffing. The last I’d heard from Dad, he wasn’t allowed to do any heavy lifting. I was surprised he was walking and moving both his arms normally at all. Last I’d heard he was in a pretty poor state after an accident at work, a fall I think. He was off until his PT cleared him. I wasn’t sure how accurate that information was, but thats all I could remember from what Renee had told me.   
“D-d-d-d-dad, I-I’m going to g-g-go finish up.” I said, standing and shuffling awkwardly out of the room. I had spent the last few weeks wishing Renee would stop walking on eggshells around me, it was clear that she had roped Charlie into the act as well. 

Back upstairs I sat on the edge of my bed and looked at my half empty suitcases. I had only packed hoodies and jeans so far. I went to my desk and started on a list of the things I needed to get together before the morning. The last thing I wanted was Renee or Charlie coming in here and trying to help me. I couldn’t let myself get tried, give up and go to bed before I was finished packing. I had to do this. 

I started with my underwear. That was easy, it didn't change depending on the weather. I left the socks that were missing their other halves and moved on to my t-shirts. The long ones I had already packed, but I figured generic, plain tees worked whatever the weather and I shoved most of them into the bag. Shorts were a different matter. I had an entire drawer full of them here, theres no way I would need that many in Washington, it rarely got hotter than warm there. But they still had summer, however short it was. I picked out my 3 favourite pairs and tossed them into one of my cases. After pyjamas and my battered old Pooh bear were in the bags, there wasn't much room for anything else. I went back to my bookcase, willing myself to make the decisions about books that I had been unable to make earlier. But I couldn't do it. 

I zipped up my cases. I wouldn't read the books anyway. 

I stayed up until Renee’s light was off and Charlie’s snoring had filled the house for a good hour. Then I crept downstairs and left the bags by the door. I didn't want to be a bother. 

 

“Bella… Bella, wake up.” 

Mom’s voice breached my subconscious and I felt myself slowly waking up. She was stood in the doorway with the breakfast tray again. She’d been doing this every morning since she got back from her trip. Coffee and toast, every morning. I never ate the toast, but that did stop her from trying.   
“We’re heading to the airport in an hour, you’ve got plenty of time to shower.” After setting down the try, she flicked a sad smile at me and left without saying another word. 

I lay in bed sipping coffee for at least twenty minutes. It was a strange feeling, not knowing when I’d be back here again. I had hated this house when we’d first moved here. It was far too big for two people, and in one of those new developments in the desert that painted every house a slightly different shade of taupe and had a thick adobo wall around the perimeter to keep out as much wildlife as possible. Strange then, how the place I had hated so much when we first got here had come to feel like home. As I finished my coffee, it dawn on me that it only felt like home because its where my stuff was kept. 

I went to go shower, grabbing a random title from my bookshelf and setting it on top of my backpack as I crossed the room. 

 

The drive to the airport was eerily silent. No one– not even Charlie– was talking. I don’t think me or mom knew what to say. I wondered what it must feel like for her, to be burdened with someone like me for a daughter, but a lump formed in my throat, so I shifted my attention to taking in the last of the desert landscape that I would see for a while. Feeling the heat from the Arizona sun permeating through the window of the back seat. 

  Mom dropped us at the kerbside when we reached Sky Harbour, getting out of the car only to give me a brief hug, and sneak a couple of notes into my hand ‘for emergencies’ before driving off without so much as a wave to either of us. Charlie eyed me with caution, as if he expected me to start crying. But I held myself together as best I could, I had expected as much, Renee didn't want to be burdened with me anymore. 

 

The flight itself was uneventful. We changed planes at SecTac and made it to Port Angeles sometime in the early evening. I spent most of the flight asleep, my head propped against the window. When we left the terminal at Port Angeles, it was difficult not to note the chill in the air. I shuddered, my hoodie was thin, and did very little to keep the cool breeze off of me. It was supposed to be summer. 

I followed Charlie down the sidewalk, unsure of where exactly we were headed. 

“Uhh… Dad.” I called out as he walked in front of me, pushing the luggage cart. “H-how are are are we getting h-h-home?” I was nervous, my stuttering always got worse when I was nervous.   
“The cruisers parked in short stay Bells.” Charlie hollered. 

The cruiser, great. 

I had hoped that Dad being off work meant that he wasn’t permitted to be driving that thing around. I guess I was wrong about that. I could barely get myself to go to school as it was, I couldn’t see how starting at a new place and turning up in a police car every morning would ease my anxieties.   
Sure enough, there it was in the parking lot. Charlie unlocked it and popped the trunk.   
“Why don’t you get in Bells? I can load the bags.”   
I obeyed his orders.

“So, here we are. Washington state.” Charlie said as he got in the drivers side, buckled his seatbelt and started the engine. “Hey, you hungry? Its still about an hour to Forks but, we can stop off and get something now if you like?” Charlie looked hopeful.   
I just looked at my knees. “Not hungry.” was all I said in reply. Charlie turned on the radio. We drove the entire way in silence. 

 

I fell asleep again in the car. I was even tired, really, it was more a choice of convenience. I woke up as we pulled onto the driveway, the car jostling on the uneven concrete. The house looked exactly the same as it always had from the outside. Perhaps it had had a fresh coat of paint in the years since my last visit, but that was it really. The house was down a typical residential street, but unlike the development in Scottsdale, each of the houses here was different. There were no fences, the boundaries of the properties were simply marked by the edge of the forest.   
“Help me with the bags Bells?” Charlie asked as we got out of the car. Nodding, I followed him to the trunk and grabbed the smaller of my bags and my backpack, stepping aside so he could grab the other bags.   
“Here we are, home sweet home.” Charlie unlocked the door and I followed him inside. The house hadn’t changed in here either. I was beginning to think nothing really did change in Forks. “Lets get your bags upstairs Bells. Then I think we’ll order a pizza if you like?”   
“Uh, n-no. I’m n-not hungry.” I replied as we reach the top of the stairs. I let Charlie place my bag in my room.  
“Okay then. Get some sleep Bells, I’ll see you in the morning.” He said before heading back downstairs. 

I shut the door after him. Then I just stood in the center of the room, unsure of what to do next. I think I just stood there for hours. 

 


	3. Chapter 3

I woke up the next morning curled up on top of the bed covers, still wearing my clothes from the night before. It was early. The room was dimly illuminated by a predawn light that drifted in through the open curtains. I rolled onto my back and stretched my sore muscles, staring at the ceiling. 

I was weird, being back in this bedroom. I hadn’t lived here since I was five, and since then I had only visited a handful of times, preferring Charlie to visit us in Arizona instead. The walls were a neutral gray, with lilac bedsheets and a purple desk. The bookshelf was empty save for a few picture books and the odd toy. But mostly it just didn't feel like home. I reached to my backpack which was sitting on the floor next to the bed and pulled out my tattered pooh teddy, hugging it to my chest. Hugging something made me feel better, about being here, where I didn’t know anybody, and I probably never would. 

I could feel my eyes filling up with tears, my throat dry, but I could do nothing to stop them from falling. I just held Pooh, and tried not to wake Charlie with my tears. 

I cried until I physically could not cry anymore. I doubt there was anymore water left inside my body. I felt lousy. Worse than lousy. I didn’t want to move, I wanted to just stay here, sinking slowly into the mattress until I was impossible for me to move at all. Until I was simply a part of the furniture of the room. Truly invisible, and no longer a burden. 

Eventually though, I had to get up. The bathroom was calling me. I rolled off of the bed, habitually tucking Pooh bear into the blankets as I did. I opened my suitcases, grabbing my shower supplies and bathrobe. I figured I might as well get that out of the way while I was in there. Charlie’s house had a single bathroom, across the hall from my room. I approached with caution, afraid of waking Charlie up. This didn’t feel like my house, in spite of Charlie’s multiple insistences on the flight here that I ‘make myself at home’. 

 

Freshly showered I headed back to my room, closing the door softly behind me. I grabbed a change of clothes from my bags, half the contents spilling out onto the floorboards as I rooted through to find where I had put all my socks. I didn’t bother putting everything back, I’d get to it eventually. 

I was about to start dressing, when I realised that the curtains were still open. It was still early morning, but the sun had fully risen, and the neighbouring property had windows that directly aligned with mine. 

The curtains were held open by a piece of rope each, I had just started to unhook the rope on the right side when I noticed a girl sitting on a rope swing in next door’s garden. She looked to be about my age, maybe a year or two younger. She was dressed in a floaty summer dress, seemingly unaware of the slight chill in the morning air. What intrigued me most was that she  wasn’t swinging, just sitting on the swing and staring, off in to the distance, not moving at all. 

I watched her for about a minute, before realising that I was probably being just a bit creepy, and I hastily shut the curtains, hoping she hadn’t seen. 

 

My first day in Forks I stayed safely inside the house. Charlie coaxed me downstairs in the afternoon to watch a movie and eat pizza. He wasn’t as chatty as he had been yesterday, perhaps my lack of replies made him reluctant to ask so many questions. I sat on the couch, he sat in the armchair, and we ate our pizzas in relative silence, the only noise coming from the television. I have no idea what the movie was about, I didn’t pay attention. 

I retreated back to my bedroom when the movie was over and Charlie switched over to the sports network. I don’t think he noticed my leaving. Safely back in my room I sat on the floor and gazed at the suitcases, still full of my clothes. I probably should unpack them, I thought to myself, but unpacking meant accepting that I lived here. And I doubted that I was ready to do that.

I left it all on the floor, crawled into bed and drifted off to sleep.

 

The next morning I woke up to the sound of rain lashing against the window. The branches of the tree in the yard tapping the siding of the house.   
“So much for summer.” I muttered to myself before I got out of bed and headed downstairs to make myself a coffee. I was awake before Charlie again, the clock on the oven telling me it was a little before 7am. I headed back to my room with my coffee. I got dressed in some comfy sweatpants and a soft cardigan while my coffee cooled, and sat down in my old rocking chair to drink it. 

For some reason, I decided to watch the rain while I drank, before the novelty wore off, so I nudged the curtains open and settled back down to drink. It was then that I saw the dark haired girl was sitting out on the swing again. Just like yesterday, she wasn’t moving at all, just sitting there, while the rain soaked her. She didn't even have a jacket on, just a dark long sleeved t-shirt that was probably doing little to keep her dry or warm. Again I felt guilty for watching her,but in some way, I felt a strange kinship with swing girl, sitting there in the rain. I wished I could be as comfortable outdoors as she clearly was, but the only place I felt I could hide from the world was indoors. 

After a few minutes I decided that I had intruded on her privacy long enough, and I turned the chair to face away from the window. I set my coffee mug on the floor when I was done, then lay back in the chair and shut my eyes. 

I think I fell back to sleep, although I can’t be sure. The next thing I remember was the creak of my door opening, starling my eyes open just as Charlie peeked his head into the room.   
“Oh, morning Bells. Sleep okay?” He asked and I nodded in reply.   
“Good! That’s good. I’m gonna make some toast for breakfast, want some?”   
“Uh, s-sure I guess.” I replied. Truthfully I was starving, but nothing sounded good, and I could have killed for another cup of coffee.   
“Perfect, I’ll get started then.” Charlie disappeared before I could reply. I stood slowly and followed him, my coffee mug forgotten on the floor. 

In the kitchen I was greeted to the sight of my dad frantically opening and closing the various cabinets. 

“Sorry Bells, looks like toast is a no go, we’re out of bread.” He looked at me with trepidation. “I have cereal though, you like Cheery-Os right?” He held the box up to me as he asked.   
“T-t-they’re ok.” I muttered, although in truth they were quite possibly my last favourite of all cereals.   
“Alrighty then.” Charlie smiled, setting the box on the table before grabbing bowls and spoons from the cupboard, placing them on the table before heading over to the refrigerator. He opened and closed the door without getting anything out. “Are you alright to eat it dry? We’re er, we’re out of milk.” He admitted.   
“Its fine.” I said, pouring a small serving into a bowl and picking a couple up with my fingers, tossing them into my mouth. They were blander dry, although verging on stale.  
“Looks like we’re going to have to make a trip to the grocery store Bells.” Charlie said as we ate. “How’d you like to come with me? That way we can pick up some stuff you like.”   
“Yeah, ok.” I replied before tossing a couple more pieces of cereal into my mouth. 

I managed to eat a few bites before the taste and texture began to bother me too much to continue, and I pushed the bowl away from me.   
“Perfect. I just gotta go shower, be ready to go in about 30 minutes?”   
“Sure.”  
“Great.” Charlie said, taking our bowls and disposing of the contents in the trashcan before heading upstairs. 

I stayed in the kitchen, made another cup of coffee and sipped it slowly. When I heard the shower turn off I made my way upstairs, grabbing some shoes and my bag, which I slung across my shoulders. I reached into the bag and pulled out my cellphone, I had 4 unread text messages from Renee, asking how I was, how the flight was, and how was liking Forks. I quickly typed ‘I’m fine.’ in reply before shoving the phone back into my bag and heading back downstairs to wait for Charlie. 

The idea of going grocery shopping terrified me. I didn’t want strangers staring at me or asking me questions, and I wasn’t sure if going with Charlie would make that better or worse. However, I needed to get some supplies, and we did desperately need food. At least with Charlie there, he could do all the talking. 

 

Forks was a small town, the drive to the grocery store took ten minutes, if that. The store was smaller than I was used to, a stand alone building rather than part of a strip mall. The parking lot was mostly empty, I guess grocery shopping was an unpopular task on a Monday morning. 

I followed Charlie around, he pushed the cart, I added a few things that sounded ok to me, carrots, hummus, a bag of apples. To my dismay the Italian aisle was limited mostly to boxes of spaghetti and different brands of sauce. They either didn’t sell pesto or were out of it. I added a few jars of a simple tomato and basil sauce to the cart anyway. Maybe I could email and ask if they would stock pesto for me? It was kind of a necessity for me. 

We shopped uninterrupted until we reached the register, when the cashier struck up a conversation with Charlie, asking him how his recovery was going. Thankfully she didn’t try to talk to me. 

 

Back at the house, I helped Charlie get the bags into the kitchen, after setting them down on the table, I turned to head back to my room.   
“Hang on a minute Bells, we need to have a little chat.” He said.   
I felt my heart beat a little louder in my chest as Charlie gestured at me to sit at the table while he stood, leaning against the counter. In the silence, I began to feel even   
more tense, gripping the sides of my chair tightly with my hands in an attempt to steady myself. 

After a few minutes of silence, Charlie eventually began to talk.“Look, Bella. I know you’ve been dealing with some stuff. That you’ve been feeling pretty low for a while.” I internally scoffed at Charlie’s understatement. “I want you to know that you’re not alone. If you need to talk, I’m here. And if you don’t want to talk to me then thats fine, we can get you someone to talk to that isn’t your old Dad.” He smiled at me, the corners of his moustache lifting up as he did.   
I dropped my eyes to look at the table top. “Okay Dad.” I quietly replied.   
“Okay, good. One more thing. I have a doctor’s appointment on Thursday, and I made one for you too. Renee told me you’d stopped taking your medication.”   
I looked at him with wide eyes. I hated doctors, I hated that medication. 

“Don’t give me that look Bella. We’re going to try and find something to make you feel better. But I do want you to talk to the doctor. I can leave the room, if you’d rather talk to them without me being there. But you are going to talk to them. We have to try something, you’ll never feel better if you don’t.” 

He left it at that, and I was thankful that the interrogation was over, and that I hadn’t really been required to do much talking. I grabbed an apple from the bag on the table and a glass of water and retreated to the safety of my bedroom, where I exiled myself for the remainder of the day, doodling in a notepad and playing on my phone until it got late and I fell into a dreamless sleep. 

 

The next day was a bad day. Waking up, I could feel myself fighting the fatigue that had been plaguing me for months. A pressure that clouded my mind and make even opening my eyelids a struggle. I slipped easily back into unconsciousness several times throughout the day, never staying awake long enough to drag myself out of bed. It was growing dark by the time I felt able to get up. I made a quick trip to the bathroom before heading to the kitchen, making myself a sandwich and a large glass of water which I brought up to my room and ate sitting in my rocking chair.   
In spite of my day, I had no trouble falling asleep that night. 

 

When I woke up the next morning I was still tired, but determined not to spend the entire day asleep again. Charlie’s words from the day before echoed in my head. I had to try to feel better, even if it turned out to be useless. 

I forced myself to put on my slippers and a hoodie and head down to the kitchen to make coffee. Charlie was already up, sitting in the armchair watching the morning news.   
“Morning Bells, there’s coffee in the pot already.” He called out as I passed by, ignoring my disappearance yesterday, Renee must have warned him about my tendency to hide away from the world in my bedroom. 

Finding the largest mug I could, I filled it with coffee, adding a spoon of sugar to cut through the bitterness and took it back upstairs. I was a sunny morning, a rarity for Forks, even in June. I opened the curtains, letting the sunlight into the room. If I closed my eyes, I could almost pretend I was back in Scottsdale. 

I sat myself in the arm chair again, sipping my coffee and staring at the sunlight bouncing off the leaves of the trees outside. The dark haired girl was out on her swing again. I took a large gulp of coffee and settled comfortably into my chair. I guess we both had our morning routines. Again, I tried not to watch her, and turned my attention back to the sunshine, just in case she turned around. 

 


	4. Chapter 4

On Thursday morning I definitely did not want to get out of bed. Charlie had scheduled our appointments after each others, mine being at 11:30 and his thirty minutes later. He woke me up at 9am by opening my bedroom door and half shouting “Morning Bella.” Startling me into alertness. I definitely preferred Renee’s method.

I groaned as I tried to keep my eyes open. I definitely did not want to get out of bed. I shoved the covers aside and immediately went to my bags to pick out some clothing. I settled on some leggings and a baggy 3/4 sleeved top, the sky outside was dark, rain was definitely on the cards for today. 

I peeked outside the curtain, the sky was one continuous gray cloud. The girl wasn’t on her swing this morning. I shut the curtain and hurried downstairs to get some breakfast. While I waited for the coffee machine to heat up, I stood in front of the cupboards, trying to decided what exactly I was hungry for this morning. I opened the fridge and stared at its contents for a good minute, before grabbing the milk for my coffee and closing the door again. In truth, I wasn't hungry for anything, but I knew that I should eat. I turned my attention back the cupboards and opened and closed a couple before I spotted an unopened packet of chocolate chip cookies on one of the shelves. I grabbed it and turned my attention back to my coffee before taking them both upstairs to my chair to enjoy. 

I sat in the chair and dunked a couple of the sweet cookies into the hot coffee, the chips melted with  the heat of the water. I only managed to eat three of them before I gave up and set the packet down on my desk. I sat and sipped my now sweetened coffee slowly before Charlie appeared in my doorway once more. 

“Time to go Bella, its gonna take us around an hour to drive to Port Angeles.”  
“Port Angeles? I-I-I thought there was a doctor here in Forks.” I asked, my brows knitted in confusion.   
“There is, but the practice there has more specialised doctors.” He looks at his watch in watch I assume is supposed to be a subtle hint at me to get moving. “Meet you downstairs? I’ll go start up the cruiser, the key is in the back of the door.” 

He disappears again, and I follow after, shrugging my small bag across my shoulders as I leave the room. 

 

I lock the front door and get into the car as slowly as I possibly can, a feeble attempt at delaying our departure. The last time Renee took me the doctors she told them I was crazy and they put my on these tablets that zombified me. They made focusing so difficult, I’d find myself just stuck for unknown periods of time just gazing at the corners of rooms, or winding up in the wrong neighbourhood entirely because I had missed my stop on the bus. I was adamant that I wouldn’t be put on those pills again. 

We drove to Port Angeles in silence, the drone of the local talk radio station filling the cruiser for us. I found myself making tight fists, my fingernails digging sharply into the palms of my hands. I shoved them flat under my thighs the moment I noticed what I was doing and turned my eyes to the blur of greenery out of the window as we sped down the highway, my foot lightly shaking as we got ever closer to our destination. 

The hospital in Port Angeles was a large white concrete building surrounded entirely   by parking lots. Charlie followed the street around to the rear of the building before pulling into a significantly smaller lot on the opposite side of the street outside an unassuming strip mall that advertised itself as a Primary Care clinic. We found a space in the tiny lot far quicker than I would have liked, and before I could protest that I was fine and I really didn't need to see a doctor at all, Charlie was out of the car and waiting for me. I suppressed a sigh before getting out and shuffling behind him into the building. 

Charlie walked over to the reception desk and waited patiently for the lady managing it to finish a phone call.   
“Hi there, I’m here with my daughter, Isabella Swan, she has an appointment at 11:30.” He said when she was done.   
She typed something on her keyboard before saying.   
“Ah yes, Isabella, you have an appointment with Dr. Thompson, she's in room D. If you want to head down that corridor and take a seat just outside the room. She’s running early so she should be able to see you pretty soon.” The lady smiles, pointing towards the appropriate corridor with her entire hand as she speaks.   
“Thanks.” Charlie says, ushering me towards the row of seating in the small, dimly lit corridor. 

I slump into one of the chairs, my palms are sweating.   
“So, want me to come in with you Bells?” Charlie asks, leaning back in his own chair and looking at me. “Because I can if you want me to.”   
“Err, uh, no thanks. I, I’m good.” I croak out, unable to add that I still do not want to go in there at all.   
“Okay sweetheart. I’ll be right outside when you’re done.” 

 

We sit there for less than a minute before an elderly lady walks out of the door to my left and the doctor appears in the doorframe.   
“Isabella Swan?” She asks, I stand, nodding, and follow her into the room.   
“Take a seat Isabella.” She says, motioning me towards the hard plastic chair nearest to the door as she closes it behind us.   
“So, what can I do for you today Isabella?”  
“My parents think that I need help.” I tell her, unable to look her directly in the eye. She's not wearing a white coat I notice, just regular office wear, black pants and a blue jumper with a white shirt collar poking out of it.   
“And what makes you think that?” She asks, her fingers hovering over the keyboard on the desk.   
“I-I-I guess because I stopped going to school.”   
From the corner of my eye I see her eyebrows raise while I say this. 

“And why did you stop going?” She types something as she asks this. My throat is dry. She probably thinks I’m useless.   
“Because I couldn’t.” Is all I say.   
“And why couldn’t you?”   
“Look, I’m not crazy. That what my mum told the last doctor I saw. She said I was crazy. But I’m not crazy. I’m just tired all the time. So tired.” It all comes out in one frantic stream. Theres no way, hearing all that, that this doctor does think I'm not crazy.

“Okay, so you’re tired, extremely tired.” She types something again. “What other symptoms have you been having? How has your mood been?”   
“Uh, low, I think. Or numb. Both.” I’m staring at the ugly green carpet tiles on the floor. It's like I'm not really here, and someone else is doing all the talking on my behalf. 

“You said you’d stopped going to school, would you say that you've also lost interest in the things that you used to enjoy doing?”   
“Yeah.”   
“Okay, have you lost or gained any weight recently?”  
I stare at my wrist, noticing that the bone there is more prominent than I once was.   
“I guess I’ve lost a little weight, sure.”   
“Okay… You said you were more tired than usual. How have you been sleeping?”    
“A lot. Like I can just fall asleep all the time. Thats why I’ve been missing school, because I cant wake up in the mornings.” I figure I might as well be honest. Its better than Renee just telling the doctor that I’m crazy with exactly no context. 

“That must be tough.” The doctor’s voice becomes a little condescending but I try to ignore it. “What about your friends? Have your relationships with them suffered?”  
“I, er, I just moved here and the school year is over so, I, I don't have any friends yet.” I tell her.   
“Okay, what about your friends in…” She glances at the computer screen before finishing. “…Scottsdale?”   
“They stopped calling when I stopped coming in to school or calling back. We weren't exactly close.” 

I blink away a memory, but it confronts me anyway. It was in the early days of my missing school, when I was still making it there a couple of days a week. I had heard them– my friends– talking about me from the water fountain around the corner. Their words had not been kind. I had not spoken to them since.  

She types a few things on her screen before printing a few sheets of paper out.   
“Okay, Isabella. Heres the plan.” She grabs the printouts and moves them in front of her. “I believe you are experiencing a bout of clinical depression. You’re definitely not crazy. However I am going to prescribe you some pills. They’re a type of antidepressant and they work by increasing the serotonin levels in your brain. Now they do have some negative side effects, thats what this sheet is about,” She points towards one of the sheets of paper. “But, those should not last more than a couple of weeks. If they do, or if they aren’t working as they should after two months, then we can try switching you to another type. How does that sound?” 

I just look at her for a few seconds, trying to process everything she's just told me. She’s definitely more thorough than the doctor in Arizona.   
“Fine.” I reply.   
“Perfect. Was that your father outside?”   
“…Yes?”  
“Okay good. If you could just send him in, and wait outside. I just need to talk to him for a second.”   
I stand up, obliging. But this is the part where she tells him that I am crazy. 

“Dad, she wants to talk to you.” I mutter before sitting on the chair I had sat in earlier.   
Charlie can out a minute or so later, folding the sheets of paper that Dr Thompson had printed out into his jacket pocket as he walked.   
“Thanks so much Dr. Thompson. You good to go Bella?”   
“Sure.” I stand and follow Charlie out down the and back outside.   
“Ok so, my appointment is across the street in the hospital. Its probably going to take a few minutes. There a coffee shop just along this next block.” He fishes a ten dollar bin from his wallet and presses it into my hand. “Go wait for me in there. Do you have your phone?”   
“Of course.”   
“Good, I’ll call you when I’m done.”  
“Okay.” 

Charlie turns and heads towards the crosswalk. I face the other direction. The sky is still covered in a blanket of cloud, blocking the heat of the summer sun from having any effect on the temperature. The on shore wind has a distinct chill. I can see the coffee shop from here, its nothing special, just a generic chain. Still, I’m sure its warmer inside than it is out here. 

I order a large vanilla latte, purely out of habit, and sit myself down at a table towards the far side of the building, as far away from the door as is available. I sipped my drink slowly. It tasted slightly funny, definitely not of vanilla. But the taste wasn't unpleasant, whatever it was, so I continued drinking, slowly. There was still a good quarter of it left when Charlie text me to meet him back at the cruiser. I gulped down the remainder of my drink and headed off. 

I beat him back to the cruiser. I can see him over the other side of the street, walking incredibly slowly clucking a white paper bag that must surely contain our prescriptions. I try not to watch too intently as he slowly approaches the crosswalk. I’ve never seen my Dad look so frail, so, old. Only now do I realise that I don’t really know how he injured himself. I’m not even sure I know what his injuries are. 

When I hear the crosswalk beeping, I fumble in my bag for my phone and fix my eyes on the screen, pretending that something has caught my interest. Somehow it feels that Charlie’s obvious weakness will be one of those things we just never talk about. So its better to pretend that I haven't noticed. 

 

Our journey back to Forks begins in a predictable silence. Its not until we’ve been in the car for around thirty minutes that Charlie reaches over and turns off the radio.   
“Bella. Thank you for talking to the doctor. I was worried that you’d just go in there and not say anything.”  
I just shrug so he continues.   
“Look, I know you stopped taking your medication in Scottsdale. Your mum spoke to me about it. But I need you to try and take these ones Bella. You need to help yourself. If you can’t prove to me that you’re taking them on your own then you’re going to have to take them in front of me? Okay?” He takes his eyes off of the road for a second and looks at me, I turn my face away from him and look out of the window.   
“Thats all I’m going to say about it.” 

He turns the radio back on, and I spend the rest of the journey with my body contorted towards the window. Refusing to look at my father. 

 


	5. Chapter 5

I groaned awake the next morning, my stomach’s rumbling acting as my alarm. I skipped dinner again last night, hiding myself away in my room once that uncomfortable car journey was over. No wonder I’m hungry. 

I make coffee and a bowl of cornflakes– nothing special– I cover the cornflakes with a sprinkling of sugar before retreating back to my bedroom to eat them there. I turn my chair fully towards the window and open the curtains before getting started on my breakfast. The sky is grey again. But a lighter shade than yesterday. The kind of sky that says cool breezes but not rain. 

The girl appears from her house when I’m about half way done with my cereal. Her walk is shuffling, tentative almost. Its the most I’ve seen her move in all my mornings of voyeurism. She sits stone still on the swing again, and I keep watching. In some way the girl looks as lonely as I feel. We’re similar in that way I feel. She never faces my direction, I’ve no idea what her face looks like from the front, but the slump in her shoulders suggests to my that her facial expression is not a happy one. 

I watch the girl until my cereal is soggy and my coffee is barely lukewarm. I try to finish the cereal, but even my addition of sugar cannot save the texture, and it still tastes as bland as cardboard anyway. I turn and place the bowl on my desk, trading it for my coffee cup. The new orange pill bottle sits on my desk. Charlie must have placed it there while I was sleeping. I eye it with caution. 

‘Take one a day for seven days. Then, take two a day. Best taken with food. Do not take more than the stated dose.’ The specific instructions on the label catch my interest, this, I’m sure is what the doctor was telling Charlie when she kicked me out of the room yesterday. I let out a huff of belated annoyance at the memory. Still, I’d better take them. Charlie was very clear about that. 

I open the pill bottle and pick one of the small white pills up, holding it in my palm and staring at it. Its nothing special to look at, just a regular, tiny oval with a groove imprinted down its middle. I swallow it with a gulp of coffee and go back to gazing out of the window.  

 

I stayed in my bedroom for the rest of the day. I was feeling a little weird. Tired, I suppose, though that was nothing normal. But it wasn’t the kind of tiredness that I was used to, one minute I was sitting on my chair, the next thing I knew three hours had passed and I had a stiff neck from sleeping. My impromptu nap left me with a splitting headache that left me squinting at the natural light in my room. It wasn’t a typical headache. It wasn't like my head was throbbing, or in a vice. Instead, I felt like my brain was being stabbed by loads of tiny shards of ice, or glass. It was impossible to concentrate on anything. 

I laid in bed for most of the afternoon, braving a trip to the kitchen at around 4pm to get a peanut butter sandwich. I ate half of it siting in my bed. Yawning in between bites. I never bothered changing out of my pyjamas, it did seem worth it. That night I slept in them again, my headache had not cleared away. Getting changed into clean clothes would be a job for tomorrow Bella. Tonight, I just wanted to sleep. 

 

I woke up the next morning feeling even worse. My room stunk of peanut butter, I had never finished the other half of my sandwich, and left on my nightstand in the stuffy air of my room the usually pleasant scent of peanut butter had spread all around the room. 

Heading to the kitchen, I threw away the offending article. 

“Morning Bella, you want coffee?” Charlie asked, holding the steaming pot in one hand. I hadn't even noticed that he was in here. I shook my head, and made myself a glass of water instead. I wasn't in the mood to talk to Charlie right now. Only when he left the room, taking his cup out into the garden did I pour myself a cup.

I ate breakfast in my room again, although this morning I sat on the floor in front of my window, balancing my bowl of cereal and my coffee cup on the ledge. The girl was out again today, facing away from me as always. My pills sat on the edge of my desk, I took one quickly, afraid that I would otherwise forget and turned my attention back to the world outside the window. 

It had been about 4 minutes since I had sat down when I began to feel strange. Twitchy almost. I went to the bathroom and took a gulp of water, thinking that would help. Predictably, it did nothing. It was only as I was closing my bedroom door behind me that I realised my hands were shaking. 

‘Thats weird. I don’t feel that cold.’ I thought to myself with a shrug, before changing out of my pyjamas and  into a pair of sweatpants and a sweater that were near the top of my still unpacked cases. 

I sat back in front of the window, this time grabbing a pillow from my bed to make it more comfortable. I was feeling more than a little nauseated. Actually, I was feeling extremely nauseated. I pushed the window up a little, opening it enough for a cool breeze to blow gently over my face. Sitting there, breathing in the air, I let my eyes drift closed and tried not to fall asleep. 

I’m not sure that I was successful, also it was hard to tell. I felt like my head was a glass full of water being lightly shook, drops of water sloshing over the sides. When I next opened my eyes, everything looked exactly the same. The only difference was the dark haired girl, who was gazing up at my window with quizzical eyes. 

I shot up, my face no doubt flushed bright red and felt a head smack as my head connected with the underside of the window. I pulled my head back inside, rubbing the tender spot on my head. At least it was under my hair, so you wouldn't see the bruise, and thank goodness I wasn’t bleeding. The girl semi smiled at me in a sympathetic gesture. I shrugged, pulling the window so that it was all but closed, only a small crack of fresh air getting into my room. In doing so, I almost didn’t see the strange girl raising her hand at me in a still sort of wave. I raised my hand back, not wanting to appear rude, before hastily shutting the curtains and disappearing into the darkness of my room. 

 

The next three days were a blur of trembling fingers, pounding headaches and impromptu naps. Thankfully, by Tuesday I began to feel somewhat human again, although I hadn’t left my room for anything other than bathroom breaks in all that time. With my headache miraculously disappeared, I decided to try my luck with a shower. 

Washing away the grime of malaise felt wonderful, and luckily the heat of the shower did not encourage my headache to return. Dressed in some fresh clothes from my suitcase that I still hadn’t felt the need to unpack, I ventured downstairs in search of food. 

I passed my Dad in the living room, he was sitting with his morning coffee in the armchair, watching a particularly dull looking show about fishing. He is a man of few interests.   
“Bella, you’re up!” He smiled at me, the shock evident in his voice. 

“Yeah… I’m just gonna grab something to eat.” 

“Good, thats good. You go do that.’ 

I got myself out of the room as fast as I could. My Dad’s utter excitement at me just going to make myself some breakfast unnerved me. I hadn’t really spoken to him since his outburst in the car last week, and I still didn’t really want to.

I made myself ramen noodles for breakfast. Cooking them on the stovetop, dragging out the process for as long as possible. Charlie wandered into the kitchen just as I was transferring the cooked noodles into a bowl to eat. 

“Hey Bells?” I turned to face him. “I have to step out for a few hours, you gonna be alright here on your own?” I balk at the question. Renee never asked me if I was going to be ok alone, often leaving me for days at a time for business trips. The idea of me not being ok in the house alone for a couple of hours is, frankly, laughable to me. 

“Of course. I’ll be fine.” 

I brush passed him with my breakfast and retreat upstairs before he can lecture me on who to call if theres an emergency. I’m not a child. 

He’d been gone around twenty minutes by the time I was done eating. I took the empty bowl back down to the kitchen and just stood there for a few minutes, unsure of what to do. The living room was exactly the same as it had always been, pictures of my Grandma and Grandpa Swan sat next to a family portrait of Renee, Charlie and I on the shelf above the fire place. The shag rug and couch cushions were the same ones that had been here since I was a baby. For a living room, Charlie’s was stagnant. Clinging to the past. 

 

I had to get out of the house, just for a little while. I’d be back before Charlie, but just in case I made sure I had my cell phone and key and headed out for a walk around the neighbourhood. 

It was the warmest day I had experienced so far in Forks. The sun, surprisingly, was not merely peeking through the cloud cover but rather shining brightly in a cloudless sky. If I closed my eyes, I could almost pretend I was in Arizona. Almost. The relentless humidity of the air cut through my otherwise perfect illusion.

My walk took me down streets and past buildings that were at once familiar and foreign. It had been so many years since I had lived here, and I had been so young, that my spatial memories of the town where absent. I wandered for about an hour, trying to find the park that I remembered was somewhere near the house. I failed. Walking in circles until I decided to give up and head back to Charlie’s.  

Fortunately on my way home, I didn't get lost. I did trip on the sidewalk though, banging my knee rather sharply on the concrete. My walk home took longer than planned, the pain in my knee making it difficult to fully straighten my leg. I would definitely need to ice it when I got home. 

Finally I turned onto the street and the house was in sight. I picked up my pace, rushing to the driveway as quickly as I could. Getting to the freezer and to the bag of peas I knew was in there was, at this point, my sole focus in life. In fact, I  
 was so completely focused on getting inside that I failed to noticed I was being followed. 

“Excuse me.” The voice was far too close, I felt the vibrations of speech on the back of my neck and screamed, practically falling over again as I turned to face the person. I was rendered speechless. 

In front of me now stood positively the most handsome boy I had ever seen in my life. It didn’t help that the sun was directly behind him, casting a halo of light through his messy bronze hair. I couldn’t help but stare at him, my cheeks reddening as I did. 

“Are you the girl who been watching my sister?” My eyes widen. ‘Oh crap, he thinks I’m a stalker.’ I thought, hoping to keep my facial expression somewhat neutral. I didn’t reply. 

“Look, I know its you. You’re the Chief’s daughter, right?” 

I nod at this at least. 

“If you know what good for you, you will stay away from my sister. Stop watching her, stop looking at her, and God help you if you talk to her, got it?” 

“S-s-sure.” My voice quivers in reply. 

He doesn't respond verbally. He just flares his nostrils, eyes me with a decidedly extreme expression of hatred and stalks back towards his own house. I watch him go, my mouth gaping. 

“Whats his problem?”

I ask myself as I sit in the kitchen, finally icing my injured knee. 

 

That was the last day I opened my curtains that summer.

 


	6. Chapter 6

Eventually I got used to my new routine of imposed darkness. I started eating my breakfast downstairs in the kitchen, where the view outside the windows faced towards the woods at the back, and any hope of seeing into the neighbour’s garden was obstructed by a 6ft privacy fence, covered in moss and damp from the near-constant rain. 

I didn’t look at the house next-door. It wasn’t worth the trouble. 

Instead I mostly just lay on the bed, the room lit only by the faint trace of day light that the curtains were not thick enough to block and listened to the same five CDs that I had brought with me from home. I started getting weird headaches, the pain seeming to radiate out from behind my eye. I put them down as a side effect of the tablets I was trying to remember to take everyday. I wasn’t always successful.

My days were stuck on repeat. 

And that was June. 

 

I had almost been in Forks for a whole month now, although it felt that I had been here so much longer, especially now the days were blurring into one. I spent most of my days either lying in bed, or scolding myself for doing so. I had spoken to my Mum maybe twice during this entire period, and once only because Charlie marched into the room and handed me the phone. She’d stopped calling so frequently now, surely realising that I wasn’t worth the bother. 

A fact that I was certain Charlie was coming to realise as well. He was working an awful lot. I would sometimes be woken by the front door shutting when he left for work in the morning, the sound vibrating up through the walls and rattling my dresser. 

This was one of those mornings. I blinked at the beam of sunlight intruding on my dark sanctuary through a gap in the curtains as I heard the cruiser reversing off of the driveway. Something about being jolted awake, coupled with that obnoxious sunbeam made me quickly realise that I wouldn't be falling back to sleep any time soon. I sighed. Gazing up at the ceiling, staring at nothing in particular until a pressure in my pelvis had me sprinting for the bathroom. 

It was a sunnier day than most, I noted as I dried my hands and caught a glimpse of the sun out of the bathroom window. The forest gave off a visible glow chlorophyll. I decided then that I would go outside today. 

I fished around in the pile of clothing that had crept slowly out of the suitcase and across the floor during the past month. It was deceptively sunny, but this was Forks, I knew not to expect the nice weather to hold. I grabbed a pair of loose boyfriend-style jeans, a clingy long sleeve tee and a soft hoodie. Comfortable things. And an old pair of sneakers. 

Getting out of the house hadn’t worked so well last time, but today I had a plan. I would slip quietly out of the back gate and head straight into the forest. I took my backpack downstairs with me, a notebook and pens safely tucked in there. I added a bottle of water and two bananas. And a towel, in case I couldn't find a log to sit on. Feeling like I had enough to keep me both alive and occupied, I slipped out of the back door. 

The gate creaked as I opened it. Clearly it hadn’t been use for a while, but thankfully it wasn't too difficult to open. I made sure to close it properly behind me. That was important. At least I thought it was. 

There was something strangely inviting about the shady forest as I stood outside the gate and stared at it. Shadows cast by the trees, the sunlight disappearing as I looked deeper into the tangle of trunks and branches. Perhaps it was the relatively uninviting state of nature that intrigued me. How the shadows and the thick mass of leaves and thorns seemed to say ‘Stay away.’ How in this sense, the woods were similar to me. 

Outside of the gate, there was nothing immediately obvious as a path. Not that that mattered too much to me. I chose a spot where the forest didn't seem so dense and headed straight in. Within seconds the darkness of the woods enveloped me. It was noticeably cooler in here, the hoodie had been a good idea. 

I just walked straight– or as straight as I could. I didn't have a purpose for being here. After what I thought was fifteen minutes, I stumbled across a trail. It was slightly overgrown, certainly not often used, but clearly defined. Definitely a trail. I followed it without hesitation. My lack of direction and little knowledge of the geography of Forks meant that I was unsure as to where it was taking me. Toward town or away from it. I had no clue, I simply followed. 

My pace was slow. Months of inactivity had made my body unsure of its own movement. I stumbled along the trail at a snails pace, finding every root and rock in my path to trip up on. It was a miracle that I didn't get hurt. 

 

Eventually I came to a small clearing. The trail ran adjacent to it, but I had reached the limit of my pitiful walking ability and thought it looked a comfortable enough place to sit.  I saw a fallen tree on the farthest edge of the space and headed over to it. The trunk was a little too moss covered to be a nice place to sit. I dug the towel out of my bag, set it down on the dewy grass and sat, using the tree as back support. 

The clearing wasn't anything special. It was no enchanted fairytale glade with wild flowers, whimsical creatures and a bumbling mountain brook. It was merely a patch of yellowed grass that somehow clung on to its spot, not permitting the dense forest to intrude. It was as good a place as any to just sit and stare off into the distance. 

Hunger eventually provoked me into eating my bananas and drinking some water. Stumbling through the woods made you hungry, apparently. It was only then that I remembered the notebook. 

I got it out, set it on my lap, and resumed doing nothing. 

Eventually, the sky darkened. A dense, deep grey cloud blocking out the sun. I decided that now was as good a time as any to head back. Being out in nature was all well and good, until it started raining and you forgot to bring a jacket. 

The walk back was predictably more difficult.

 I rejoined the trail soon enough. But I was all turned around, I couldn't remember which direction I had come from, and walked back and forth several times before I was certain that I had come from the left and not the right. Then there was trying to pinpoint the spot where I had joined the trail in the first place. I agonised over this as I follow the path back. In my mind I was unable to picture the area that I had joined the path. I stopped often, checking to see if this was the right spot. I should’ve left a trail of breadcrumbs or something. Not marking my path was another stupid Bella moment. 

After what felt like forever, I somehow found myself stumbling out of the trees a few houses down from Charlie’s. A miracle, somewhat. 

No one was home when I got back, not that I expected them to be. Charlie had stopped walking on eggshells around me, and had snapped back into his schedule from before I moved in, he wouldn't be home until after six. 

 

Visiting the clearing quickly became a part of my not quite daily routine.   
I didn’t always go so early. I didn't always remember to take a snack or some water. There were still days where getting out of bed at all was too difficult to bear. But something about traipsing aimlessly through the woods was better than sitting in that room, avoiding looking at the curtains and Renee’s calls. I couldn’t avoid the feeling that I was useless though. Even in the woods, I couldn’t hide from my own thoughts.   
I’d been going there for a few weeks before Charlie found out. It was a rare evening where we were both having dinner together, a takeout pizza that Charlie had brought home with him. 

We usually ate in relative silence. I was just beginning on my second slice of greasy takeout when Charlie asked me.  
“Did you get up to anything interesting today Bells?”  
“Not really, no.” I continued eating my pizza.  
“What’d you do today?”   
I set my slice back down on my plate before replying. “Nothing really, just hung about the house.”

It wasn’t exactly a lie, I had hung about the house for some of the day.   
“Really? Because you weren't here when I swung by during lunch.” I started picking the cheese from my slice under the weight of Charlie’s gaze.   
“Oh well, I just went out for a walk.” I mumbled as I ran out of cheese and began tearing pieces off of the crust.   
“A walk huh, where’d you go Bells? Just around the neighbourhood?”

I thought about lying, and saying that I had just stuck to the familiar surrounding streets, but somehow I felt that my dad would see right through it.“No, through the woods,” I replied, before adding. I didn't go too far though.”

Charlie huffed, setting down his own slice. “Bella, you’ve gotta be careful. This isn't like Phoenix, the forest is dangerous. And its not just the animals. If you get lost in there, its extremely difficult for us to find you.”

I must’ve looked especially despondent because Charlie stopped talking for a moment, before continuing. 

“Now, I’m not saying that the woods are entirely out of bounds. Not at all. Just, if you’re gonna go for a walk in there alone. Message me when you leave and when you get back. I worry Bella. Its one of the downsides of being a Police Chief, I know all the things that can go wrong. I just want you to be safe Bells. Promise me that you’ll let me know next time you go off into the forest, ok?” 

I nodded. 

“Okay, then I will say no more.” 

And he really didn’t. We resumed our dinner in total silence. Well, Charlie resumed his dinner. I merely continued picking at what was left of my slice, before trashing it, mumbling that I was tired and retreating back to my room. 

Living with Charlie was so different to living with Renee. Sure they were both my parents, they both cared. They were both, from what I could gather, on the detached side of the parenting method. But Charlie was different. I suppose, that I hadn't been around long enough yet for him to resent me like Renee did. 

Time, surely, will change this. 

 

After Charlie’s scalding I became reluctant to leave the house once more. Was it really worth it, when there was nothing that I could do right? I spent my days in bed, swaddled in the blankets in blatant disregard for the summer’s heat and humidity which rendered them useless. Curtains closed, windows shut. My room too on a musky quality. After a week, Charlie had had enough. 

“Bella.” He breathed, his frustration evident in the force behind his speech. “When I said to make sure you tell me when you’ve gone outside, I did not mean that you couldn’t go at all.”

I shrugged up at him from my blankets.   
“Why don't you get dressed and head outside for a bit? It’ll be sunny all day, you might as well make the most of it.” He walked over to my window and thrust it open, leaving the curtains closed in front of it. “Its laundry day as well, do you have anything that needs washing?”   
“I guess.”  
“Well good. I’ll come grab it when you go.” 

With that he left. I followed his orders. Not because I wanted to in any way, but because it was painfully obvious that even my bachelor father thought that my room and by extension I smelled and honestly the embarrassment and shame of that thought was enough to make me want to go and hide in the forest for a few hours. 

 

Thirty minutes later I was dressed, holding a bag with a snack and a notebook stashed inside it and heading off into the forest as per Charlie’s instructions. The sky above me was dotted with a selection of thick, grey clouds. I didn't believe his assertions that it was supposed to be a rain-free day in Forks. At least the trees would keep me somewhat dry if it did rain. 

I found myself in the clearing again. Surprised at the muscle memory that always seemed to bring me back here, even though I tended to ramble here without actually paying any attention to my destination. Eying the sky with caution, I sat underneath a large ash tree that formed the boundary of the clearing. Just in case. 

The intermittent sunshine was pleasant enough, there was a patch of wild poppies growing just beyond the shade of the trees. I got my notebook and began a rough sketch of them. It was a fairly decent likeness. I was just adding some shading to the petals when movement on the far side of the clearing jolted me. A male figure emerged from the tree line and strode into the centre of the clearing. 

As he drew closer, I recognised him as the angry boy from next door. I kept still and silently set down my notebook. He hadn’t noticed me yet, and given our last encounter, I hoped that he would continue to not notice me. 

In the middle of the open space he stopped, and lowered himself to the ground, his back turned away from me. I felt the tension in my muscles release and a shaky breath leave my lungs. As long as he didn’t turn around, he wouldn’t see me. 

I sat still and silent for at least five minutes under the tree. Not sketching or moving. Unseen. _This is probably pretty creepy._ My mind told me but I was in too deep now to change my plan. _He already hates me, can’t get much worse than that._ I reasoned. It was a fair point. 

It was at that moment that my luck ran out. The heavens opened. Like, seriously opened. Heavy rain pounding down from out of nowhere. And angry boy ran straight towards my tree. 

I draw my knees up toward my chest, taking on a defensive position immediately. He didn't noticed that I was there until he was ducking under the branches. His eyes narrowed as they met mine. But surprisingly he didn’t move away. I guess the rain is more annoying to him than I am. I watch him sit down as far from me as he can without leaving dry area. I turn my body away from him. 

The rain lasts no more than fifteen minutes. The moment the sun appears again in the sky, he stands, gives me a confused look, and walks away. 

_That was weird._


End file.
